The Boneyard
by A. B. Flarain
Summary: A collection of jokes, stories and vignettes that couldn't make it into one of my other works. So it will consist of either: Jokes and ideas for existing stories that I couldn't quite fit in, or jokes and ideas that don't fit in an existing story but were too short to make it into a oneshot.


Chapter 1: The Hottest Chicks are Always Crazy

* * *

**What:** A funny side-story for _Spirit Fox_, if Hinata was a Yandere instead of the sweet stalker she is. To be clear about some of the dialogue sections for those unfamilliar: Kurama _talks in italics_, Youko **talks in bold**, and anything either one says through Naruto's voice is underlined as well.

**When:** Could be any time _after_ Naruto meets Youko and Kurama, though setting it after Shippuden will make it less squicky.

**Why:** After watching _Gigguk_'s video on how to date a yandere, I starting think about how Youko would handle the situation. And his line "Do not stick your dick in crazy," reminded me of another idiom that would be much more applicable to our kitsune Casanova. It shouldn't be too hard to figure out which one.

**Disclaimer:** I do not actually know anything about Yanderes.

* * *

"**Hey, you guys smell something?**"

"_Define 'something' for us. I'm not picking up anything unusual, though._"

Yoko's nose twitched as he analyzed, Naruto happily bounding up the stairs towards his apartment. It was a pleasant day, warm, made all the better by a belly full of ramen, and he whistled tunelessly as he fumbled with his keys.

"**I dunno, smells kinda like rust or somethin'.**"

"_Yoko, if you smell blood, please just cut to the chase and tell us._"

"**Hey, I dunno that its blood, it's kinda laced with some weird—Oh sweet mother of f—**"

"Hello Naruto."

All three residents of the shared body audibly gulped at the scene before them. Starting with the least upsetting feature, the furniture was in complete disarray. Tables upturned, some of the stuffing from his cushions were popping out of slash marks, and all of his dishes were either smashed or imbedded in the opposite wall as makeshift shuriken. Speaking of the walls, all the wood was riddled with both slash marks and stray kunai. To be fair, the slashes were difficult to make out, what with the blood _splattered everywhere_. Pools, drops, wide spray arcs—it was an impressionist painting of ichor. Scanning the room for a third time, Naruto's eyes finally came to rest on the figure who greeted him so sweetly when he came in: Hinata Hyuuga, bloodstained kunai in hand, squatting above a prone, motionless, Sakura Haruno. He gulped again, staring nervously at her wide, innocent smile.

"Uh, Hi...Hinata," he managed to choke out, "What's...ah... what's up?"

"I'm sorry you had to see this, Naruto love," Her voice dripped with honey, "But after seeing this _f_ing bitch_ touch your hand today, I had to make sure she _never_ came near you again."

The room swam before him. Just hearing good, sweet little _Hinata_ use profanity was enough to make him woozy, but _this_...

"_Placate her. Buy time. We can still get out of this,_" The inner voice of Kurama advised him.

"That's, uh, great," He still tripped over his words, scratching his head, "So, uh, if you're all done here, maybe we can..."

"Nope," She cut him off with a side-bob of her head, and her smile somehow got even _wider_, "Not _quiii~iiite_ done..." She raised the kunai above her head.

"_Wait_!" He called out, taking a step and reaching out. She looked up, confused. But that momentary hesitation was all Sakura needed. Shifting her weight, she spun, sweeping Hinata's legs out from under her, knocking her to the ground with a hard thump. Sakura wasted no time springing for the window like a rabbit with all of Kakashi's hounds on her tail. Hinata rose to give pursuit, teeth grit, a low, feral growl on her lips, but she stilled when she felt Naruto's hand on her shoulder.

"It's fine, you can get her later," he spoke softly, with a smile.

"_Good, keep placating her, play to her ego, give her attention,_" Kurama gently guided him.

"Are you okay?" He asked, putting as much friendliness into the tone as e could, given the circumstances, "You're not hurt, are you?"

For Hinata's part, the physical contact from her crush was currently frying her brain. Well, if it could be fried any more than it was, given her previous actions tonight.

"Ah! I'm fine!" She squeaked, stumbling backwards and bowing several times, "So you're not...um..."

"Mad?" Naruto supplied, "_Nah_, go ahead, she was mostly just a meat shield on missions anyway."

(Luckily for Naruto's nerves, Yoko could be an excellent source of smack talk when needed.)

An awkward silence ensued, and Naruto quickly retreated to his mental landscape for backup.

_Okay, guys, _now _what? Kinda need a plan here!_

Yoko held out his hand, silently asking for control. Shrugging, Naruto slapped it gently and let his mind go blank, until he felt the fox take control.

"**In situations like this, there's only one thing to do...**" Yoko explained rolling one shoulder, as Naruto's body did the same, "**We gotta...literally...F_ the crazy out of her.**" He strode off to the corner and closed his eyes, leaving a slack jawed Naruto watching him.

"WHAT?!" The boy cried at the top of his lungs, "Is—Is that POSSIBLE? Can—can he DO that?"

Kurama shrugged and sighed for effect, "_Well, if anybody could do it, Yoko probably could._"

A hard thump sounded around them. "**Now Hinata, You've been a ****_very_**** bad girl.**"

"_Now,_" Kurama continued, more matter-of-factly, "_I suggest you return your senses to the outside. I have a feeling you won't want to miss this._"

"**I ****_like _****bad girls****_._**"

"_As for me,_" Kurama continued, before stepping back, and clamping both hands over his ears and shutting his eyes, "_~I am a rock! I am an iiiiiii~iiiiii~land!~_"

Naruto gulped once more, before slowly closing his eyes, and with shaking hands returned his senses to feel what his body was.

* * *

_"_Nnn-Nnn-Nnn-Nnn-NARUTOOOOOO!_"_

Kurama sighed, shaking his head. "_Jeez, even during an orgasm that stutter is adorable._"

* * *

Kakashi was just having the _weirdest_ day. As he sailed across the rooftops of Konoha, he pondered the events of the last 6 hours. First, a beaten, bloodied, _sobbing_ Sakura had come crashing through his window at 4 in the morning, such a mess, that he couldn't even get out of her _what _ the hell had _happened_. So then he was whizzing over rooftops at 4:30 in the f_ing _morning_, carrying his half-dead student to the Hokage. And then her _story_. A veritable cornucopia of what the hell. She'd gone over to Naruto's to return something, he honestly forgot what at this point, when she was jumped. _By Hiniata_. And in the raging battle that ensued, she got her ass kicked. _By HINATA_. Hinata, the girl that not only wouldn't hurt a fly, but would probably apologize and faint if the fly sneezed at her. Oh, but that's not even the best part. Then Naruto apparently comes in, and we discover that this whole pychobitch episode was triggered by _jealousy_ over a friendly hand-pat.

It was way too early and he was way to sober for this shit.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he landed outside Naruto's apartment and noted that the door and walls were undamaged. And promptly sweatdropped with a lump of dread in his stomach when he opened the door and saw that a bloody kunai tornado had swept through the room.

"Damn," he breathed, "Guess she was right." It always was the quiet ones. At least he could nip this one in the bud before she decided to do something _really _stupid like wiping out her entire clan or something. That would suck. Again.

He strode across the apartment to Naruto's bedroom door. Knocking lightly he let himself in.

"Hey, Naruto? You in—What."

He gripped the doorknob tightly as he took in the scene before him.

Naruto was snoring lightly, a trail of drool dripping out of the corner of his mouth, one arm flung wildly above his head, and the other...was wrapped around Hinata. Her head was resting lightly on his chest, hair splayed out all over like some kind of messy raven halo. Both had bare shoulders. Clothing was strewn around the room. It stank of a _very_ particular odor.

Oh, _son_ of a _bitch_.

At that moment Naruto yawned loudly and smacked his lips, eyes blinking slowly.

"Oh, hey there Kakashi-sensei," He greeted warmly, giving a tiny wave with his free hand.

"What."

"Did you need something?"

"What."

It didn't help that 'The demon fox in my belly made me do it' was the _best_ possible outcome to this situation. By now, however, the commotion had managed to wake Hinata. She sighed happily, and her eyes fluttered open. This was the best feeling. Warm sunlight streaming in, wrapped in the soft embrace of her wonderful lover—how much sweeter that she could _finally_ call him that—a feeling that she could look forward to on many more mornings, Kakashi staring dumfounded at them from the doorway—

"EEP!" she squeaked, and pulled the covers up over her shoulders.

"**Good morning, sweetheart,**" Naruto greeted her huskily, pulling her closer and kissing her deeply. Kakashi noted the trace of something deeper in his voice. "**I've got to talk to Kakashi about a few things; could you give me a minute?**"

"I'll—I'll go make breakfast." She told him shakily, standing up and drawing the covers around herself. She gave another "Eep" when Naruto gave her a swat on the rear as she left. Kakashi watched as Naruto leered at her the whole way. He not so subtly cleared his throat.

"Oh, right," Naruto gave a start, "I...I can explain this."

"Alright then."

"Umm..."

"Well?"

"**Oh for F_'s sake, let me take this one.**" Naruto was still speaking, but his voice was much deeper.

"Hello Nine-Tails," Kakashi greeted coldly.

"**'Sup, eyepatch,**" He greeted back airily, as Naruto got up and began hunting for his clothes, "**So here's the deal: I know as little about Hina's little 'personality flip' as you do. We just got back and the little sunflower was about to knife Pinky. So we got her distracted enough that Cherry could escape, and I took it from there.**"

"I can see that," annoyance was seeping into Kakashi's tone, as he glanced around the room, "but that doesn't really solve the problem. We've still got an emotionally unstable kunoichi that could snap at the drop of a hat making us eggs in the other room."

"**Nah, that's what I mean, I took care of it.**"

"How?"

"**I f_ed the crazy out of her.**"

"_What._"

"_Ah, that is to say,_" Kurama cut in nervously, "_While she was...otherwise occupied, I was able to heal her mind._"

"Oh," Kakashi breathed, relieved, "That's . . .wait what?"

"_Think of it like a highly advanced medical jutsu._" Kurama explained through Naruto, "_I was able to use my chakra reserves, and a little special kitsune magic, to heal the trauma to her mind._"

"O-oh," Kakashi was currently trying to figure out how to explain this one to the Hokage _without_ her freaking out on him, "Well, I suppose that's that then. We should probably be extra careful for a little while, reintroduce her to Sakura slowly, you know?"

"**If that makes you feel better, sure.**" Naruto continued to stare him down.

"Well, I guess, I'll, ah, be going then." This was just the _weirdest day_. Kakashi made his exit out the window.

"**So why'd you do that?**" Yoko asked as the three gathered in his mental mindscape.

"_Do what?_"

"**Make up all that bullshit about kitsune magic.**"

"_Because it made more sense than what you actually DID!_"


End file.
